How powerful is the unconscious mind?

How powerful do you think is the unconscious mind? It is very powerful and you need to be always being ‘mindful” of the language you use. Take for an example, if you tell your child “don’t slam the door” or “don’t forget the milk from the shops”. Guess what happens? The unconscious mind is unable to process negatives. So the negative such as ‘don’t’ will be deleted or removed and the child will then slam the door or forget the milk from the shop. Sometimes people will say “I will not get fat”, immediately the ‘not’ is filtered out by the unconscious mind and instead will focus on gaining weight. Therefore, it is important when using language focus on language and words that involve what you do want as opposed to what you don’t want. By determining what you do want, will enable your unconscious mind to move towards the necessary action to achieve your outcomes or goals (e.g. SMART Goals).

The unconscious mind is so powerful that it records all your memories and events that have happened to you since birth. You are probably saying, I can’t remember what I had for breakfast yesterday. Well, in 1957 a doctor decided to drill a hole in a lady’s brain in an attempt to cure her epilepsy. He spent time probing around her brain with an electrode (and she was conscious) and by doing this she was able to remember details from a birthday party when she was two. She could recall what her parents were saying, what type of dress she was wearing and even the smell of the cake. This was a memory that she had not recalled until then, and demonstrates that everything that occurs in our lives are recorded however not always remembered.

Another example, of the power of the unconscious mind is, you wake up in the morning and make a decision there and then, “I feel terrible and I am going to have a bad day”. Again, guess what happens? You are right, all that you have mentioned occurs. Why? Through your language you are directing your unconscious mind to focus on feeling terrible and having a bad day. Instead, get out of bed, and even though it’s a Monday, say to yourself “I am alive; I like my job and today is a good day”. This will create a more positive frame of mind.

Finally, a common example used in coaching, is the pink elephant. If I say to you now, don’t think of a pink elephant. What are you thinking of? Yes the pink elephant. Demonstrating again the power of the unconscious mind.

Remember, what you focus on is what you get…

Representational Systems – Other Indicators (e.g. Body posture, tonality)

In the last few Blogs, it has been discussed that words and predicates are important to understand the representational systems of others. These representational systems give you an idea of how people are making sense of and interpreting the world around them. A person’s primary representational system can be auditory, visual, kinesthetic or auditory digital and by understanding the words and predicates you can speak the other person’s “language” and create rapport and greater trust in the relationship.

Words and predicates are just one of the ways to be able to “read” a person’s primary representational system. Other cues are related to posture, body shape and tonality.

Beginning with the primary representational system of “visual”, visual people will often have a posture that is straight, with head and shoulders up. Their body type and movements can be thin or obese, tight and jerky. Breathing will be high in their chest and their voice tonality, speed and volume is high, clear, fast and loud. Their rule for looking while listening is “look to listen”.

For people who are highly “auditory” some of the characteristics are: body shape tends to be towards the slim rather than obese and when they speak or communicate they maintain more control over their auditory part of communication. So they can maintain more control over their auditory aspects of the speech, they will tend to have a fuller range of breathing and a larger rib cage than “visuals”. Their posture can be described as being a telephone type posture with their head titled to one side of their body. Their rule for looking and listening is “don’t look to listen”.

People who operate primarily out of the kinesthetic tend to have a posture than is curved, bowed and head and shoulders down. Their breathing is lower and more into the abdomen. They respond to touching and physical rewards, they can move and talk very slowly. Also they stand closer to people than someone who is visual. Kinesthetics would rather touch rather than look at the person.

The last primary representational system is auditory digital. Some of the characteristics are: they will speak in a clipped and crisp monotone. As tone variations are not important to them they will tend to display breathing patterns more like “visuals” such as being higher up in their chest. An “auditory digital” person is like a “visual” in that they can be dissociated from their feelings. The body type is similar to someone who is primarily kinesthetic being soft, full and rigid. They will tend to have no eye contact while listening to the other person.

Remember, we all have the ability to be any one or combination of these categories at different points in time and in our lives. These are only just some hints of whether someone has a primary representational system of auditory, visual, kinesthetic or auditory digital. When determining someone’s primary representational system, in addition to posture and body cues and tonality, words and predicates should be considered too.

Understanding someone’s primary representational system is all about understanding how that person views and makes sense of the world around them. Then, by speaking their “language” you are able to create much greater rapport and trust in the relationship. And that would certainly be powerful for any relationship, wouldn’t it? 

What are Predicates?

In a recent Blog about Representational System Preference it was discussed that everyone will have a primary representational system for the processing of information. The primary representational system can be visual (seeing), auditory (hearing), kinesthetic (feeling) and auditory digital (self-talk).

A person’s primary representational system can largely be picked up by the words and phrases they use. These groups of words are often referred to as predicates. Predicates are the verbs, adverbs and adjectives used by a person to presuppose one of the major representational systems. Next time you are speaking with someone and you are listening to what they are saying notice that there are times when a majority of the predicates he/she uses refers to one system more often than others. These can be visual, auditory, kinesthetic or auditory digital. The use of predicates is occurring at an unconscious level.

The following phrases are examples of predicates used by each representational system.

Visual: common phrases including “beyond a shadow of a doubt”, “bird’s eye view”, “catch a glimpse of”, “in light of”, “short sighted”, “paint a picture”, “sight for sore eyes”, “tunnel vision”, or “up front”.

Auditory: phrases used by this representational system can include, “clear as a bell”, “give me your ear”, “hold your tongue”, “loud and clear”, “manner of speaking”, “pay attention to”, “purrs like a kitten”, “to tell the truth”, “tongue tied”, “voiced an opinion” or “word for word”.

Kinesthetic common phrases include: “all washed up”, “chip off the old block”, “come to grips with”, “get the drift of”, “heated argument”, “keep your shirt on”, “pain in the neck”, “sharp as a tack” and “smooth operator” or “stiff upper lip”.

Auditory digital representational system will often use a combination of all the previously mentioned systems and some common predicate phrases are: “describe in detail”, “figure it out”, “make sense of”, “and pay attention to” or “without a doubt”.

These representational systems indicates the process by which people will create their models of the world (e.g. make sense of their environment) and provide you as the listener with a format by which you can understand how and what they experience.

After reading this Blog, have a conversation with a family member, a colleague or a client and notice their primary representational system by listening to the major predicates they are using. By understanding the other person’s primary representational system you can speak to the other person by using his/her own “language” and through this you will create greater rapport and trust in the relationship. 

What is your Representational System Preference?

A major discovery of Neuro Linguistic Programming or NLP is that most people will process information (or their world) mainly through one or more primary senses.  These senses are visual (seeing), auditory (hearing), kinesthetic (feelings), and auditory digital (self-talk).

You have probably heard people use common phrases such as “I see what you mean”, “I hear what you are saying”, “I catch on’’ and “That makes sense to me”. These are insights into how a person’s mind is working and how they make sense of their world through their major (primary) representational system.

Why is it important to understand a person’s primary representational system? If you understand someone’s primary representational system then you can speak to them in such a way that gives them meaning and enables you to gain rapport with their unconscious mind. As discussed in a previous Blog, rapport is important so you build a relationship based on trust, harmony and understanding. Rapport is very important for all communication such as business, sales and education.

There are a number of key words used by each representational system. People who are visual will use words such as see, look, show, dawn, illuminate, imagine, clear, foggy, focused, hazy, picture or crystal. Another distinction is that visual people will memorise by seeing pictures, less distracted by noise and have difficulty at times remembering and are bored by long verbal instructions. If they are buying from you, then they will be interested in the way the product looks.

Those who have a preference for the auditory system will use words including hear, listen, sounds, make music, tune in/out, be all ears, rings a bell, resonate, deaf, question or hearing. These people are easily distracted by noise and will repeat things back to you and learn by listening. Auditory people love to listen to music and talk on the telephone.

People with a kinesthetic preference will use such words as feel, touch, grasp, catch on, tap into, make contact, throw out, turn around, unfeeling, concrete, get a handle on, solid or scrape. These people can talk slowly, respond to physical rewards and touching and will memorise by doing or walking through something. People who are kinesthetic and are interested in buying from you will want the product to feel right to them or will have a gut feeling that it is the correct thing to do.

People who are auditory digital use common words as sense, experience, understand, logical, process, decide, motivate, consider, change, perceive, insensitive, distinct, conceive or know. People using this as their primary representational system will spend a fair amount of time talking to themselves. They will memorise by steps and procedures and will want to know that any product they are purchasing makes sense.

With these representational systems we are always a combination of the four, however there is one which is our major or primary system by which we understand the world and make sense of our own environment. By understanding other people’s primary representational system you can then speak in their language to build rapport and gain trust and harmony in the relationship. This can apply to any relationship whether as a partner, parent, child, teacher, student, in business, in sales or in any everyday life.

What are your SMART Goals?

What is your dream for your future? Is it a new car? Are you seeking a new job? Do you want to get fit and have the body of a famous movie star? We all have different dreams for our lives. To be able to make your dream a reality, you must set goals that are SMART.

If you say to yourself “I will find a new job” or “I will make more profit this year for my business”, these are merely vague statements or dreams, instead you need to be able to set short term and long term goals to be able achieve them. You must set goals that are SMART.

The acronym, SMART has been around for many years and is used to explain goal setting. SMART refers to goals that are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Realistic and Timed.  

Specific: goals need to be specific. Often when a goal is set it is very loose and more than likely not possible to achieve. For example, you have a fitness goal of “I will lose weight”. This goal is unclear and how will you know when you have reached your goal? Instead to make it specific, you could say “I will lose 5 kilograms of weight this month”. At the end of this month you would then measure your goal by hoping onto the scales.

Measurable: the goal needs to be measurable in some way. For example, you are a personal trainer and you say “I want to increase the number of new contacts I have on my database”. However by saying “…increase the number of new contacts” is a vague statement and what is the end result? A better goal would be “At the end of this month I would have attended 6 networking events and connected with at least one person at each event”. This is clear and by the end of the month you will know whether you have achieved your goal.

Achievable: goals must be reasonable, a stretch and a challenge. For example, you want to lose weight this month and your goal is to lose 50 kilograms, clearly this is not achievable unless of course you are having some sort of surgery. This goal would certainly be out of reach and a goal of losing 4 - 6 kilograms would be more reasonable and achievable.  

Realistic: goals need to be realistic. For example, you enjoy playing tennis on the weekend with family and friends. You are 46 years old and you have a goal to play at Wimbledon in 2011. Be honest, how realistic is this goal?

Timed: goals need to have a time frame. By having a time frame the goals will have a structure. For example, you have a goal to get a new job. However with no time frame there is no sense of urgency and there is no reason to take any action today. By having timed specific goals will give you the necessary “push” to get started. Timed goals also assist in measuring your progress as you move towards your goal.

So right now visualise a goal that you want to achieve and notice what happens when the goal is specific, measurable, achievable, realistic and timed. Notice how it feels, notice what people are saying to you and notice what you are hearing when you have achieved a SMART goal. 

What is Sensory Acuity?

In a recent Blog (What are your principles for success) it was discussed that if you have a desired outcome then one of the steps involved sensory acuity which is the ability to notice what is occurring as you are taking action. For example, you are communicating to your boss (or a friend) and you notice that the information is being well received and understood, and then you don’t need to change anything, simply keep communicating. Instead, what would happen if what you were saying was not well received or understood by your boss? Then, you must change your behaviour and communicate differently.

What do you need to know to have the appropriate sensory acuity that your communication is being understood by the other person? You need to observe the other person and be perceptive of changes in their physiology, voice tone and their energy as these can all indicate a change in their internal thoughts and emotional state. Generally you need to notice subtle changes in their skin colour, skin tone, breathing, lower lip size and the eyes.

A person’s skin colour can shift from light to dark and if you imagine that you were looking at a black and white photo then you are able to see the changes from light to dark. Skin tone (tonus) is essentially the tension of the muscles underneath the face. Skin tonus can vary from being symmetrical to unsymmetrical. The next subtle indication is changes in the breathing, breathing rate can vary between fast to slow and the location can be high in the chest or low in the stomach or somewhere in between. Lower lip size can easily change from moment to moment and generally changes will involve the lower lip being filled with blood which means fewer lines. Conversely when there is less blood then there are more lines. The final subtle change to be noticed is the eyes. The eyes will change from being focused to defocused and from dilated to undilated.

A great way to practice is to ask a friend to think of someone they do not like and observe the skin colour, skin tonus, breathing, lower lip and the eyes. Then ask them again to think of someone they like or even love. Guess what? By comparing you will become aware of how the skin colour and tonus, breathing, lower lip size and eyes are different from when the person was thinking of someone they dislike.

These subtle differences are very powerful and will assist you in determining whether the information you are communicating is being understood. These subtle changes can also be used in situations when you would like to know whether someone is telling you the truth or lying. It should be remembered though that one person’s change in skin colour, eyes, breathing etc when they are lying will be different to someone else.

Having sensory acuity is all about gaining awareness into someone’s state of mind through any associated changes in the body and physiology. 

Establishing Rapport

Have you ever been talking to someone and had a feeling of warmth inside, a colour change in yourself or noticed it in the other person, or the other person says ‘Don’t I know you from somewhere?’, and when you move forward in the conversation (lead) and they follow, then it is likely that rapport has been established.

What is Rapport? Rapport is the process of building a relationship based on trust, harmony and understanding. It is about meeting the other person in their model of the world. Rapport is important in any relationship and useful for when you have issues to be discussed and can assist you in preventing issues from developing into complaints and problems.

When communicating, words consist of 7% of the communication, tonality 38% and 55% through physiology. Therefore 93% of communication is unconscious to the other person. Rapport is all about establishing common ground unconsciously.

Rapport is created through matching and mirroring the other person’s physiology, tonality and words. As physiology is 55% of our communication you can match and mirror someone’s posture, gestures, facial expressions, blink rate of the eyes and breathing. For example, a person is seated opposite and you are discussing with them an idea, they cross their right leg and you can either cross your right leg (which is matching) or cross your left leg (which is mirroring as in a mirror image). Importantly all matching and mirroring must be subtle and not obvious to the other person. You can also match someone’s breathing which means you match the in and out breath.

Tonality of the voice is made up of 38% of communication, so another way to create rapport is by matching their voice. This includes the tone, tempo, timbre (quality of the voice), and the volume. You can also match someone’s key words, maybe they say ‘as a matter of fact’ often, then use those words in a sentence several times during the conversation.

Other ways of establishing rapport includes matching chunk size which is the size of the pieces of information in another person’s speech, and also match their common experiences and associations.

In creating rapport it is important to match and mirror someone in a way that is subtle and is outside the other person’s conscious awareness. Rapport is important in any environment, whether it involves sales, teaching, or personal and business relationships. Next time you are in a conversation with someone and notice the other person is not listening then ask yourself is their rapport between us? If not, match and mirror their physiology, tonality and their words and notice the difference it makes to the relationship. 

Are your goals or outcomes well formed?

At any time when you set a goal or have an outcome, it needs to be well formed.

How do you ensure a goal/outcome is well formed? Well, it must meet the following conditions:

1.  The goal or outcome must be stated in positive terms. State specifically what you want to achieve rather than what you don’t want.

2.  The goal must be initiated and maintained by you. Remember, if your goal depends on others then you will not have complete control over it. 

3.  Specify the steps that you need to take to achieve the outcome (e.g. use small and simple steps so that the goal/outcome is do-able).

4.  It must be ecological. The goal or outcome must be congruent with self and also with the people around you such as family, friends and colleagues and society as a whole (including legal, ethical and moral). Finally in today’s modern world the goal should be good for the planet.

5.  Always look for other options or alternatives, as often there is more than one way to achieve the outcome you are seeking.

6.  The initial step must be specified and achievable.

7.  The last condition requires the goal or outcome to increase choice.

If all of the above conditions are met, then the goal/outcome is well formed and you can now start taking your first steps to achieving the outcome. Importantly, along the way enjoy the journey to achieving your goal. 

What are the keys to an achievable outcome?

In achieving any goal you must know the outcome. In knowing the outcome there are a number of steps (keys) which should be followed. These are:

1.    The outcome must be stated in the positive or state specifically what you want and not what you don’t want!

2.    Specify where you are now in relation to the outcome (your current position)

3.   Specify the outcome you want by using your senses to experience what it will be like when you have the outcome (e.g. what you will see, hear, feel and say to yourself) and make it as compelling as possible and written in the present tense

4.   Specify the evidence that you will need to obtain to confirm achievement of the outcome (e.g. how will you know you will have it?)

5.   What will this outcome get for you or allow you to do? (Is it congruently desirable and are you sure you want it?)

6.   Is it self-initiated or self-maintained? (E.g. is the outcome only for you?)

7.   Is the outcome appropriately put into context? (E.g. where, when, how and with whom do you want it?)

8.   What resources are required to achieve the outcome (if any)? If unsure of the resources then ask: have I done this before? Do I know anyone else who has done it? Can I act as if I have achieved it?

9.    Is the outcome you want ecological? (E.g. For what purpose do you want this? What will you gain or lose if you have it?)

By following these key steps, it will move you toward the outcomes you have specified. This can be used for any type of goal, including personal, business, spiritual, relationships etc. First determine the outcome and then follow the other key steps. 

What is a state versus a goal?

Did you know that there is a difference between a state and a goal? Often people will say they have a goal to be happy when… However, being happy is possible right now. You do not need to wait for happiness, there is no need to wait for the ducks to line up on the wall, the children to leave home or retire from work. Happiness is obtainable right now. All you need to do is to remember a specific time in your life when you were totally happy, remember what was being said to you, recall the feelings and the sounds and sights that were heard and seen. Happiness is not a goal it is a state or value that you can have now.

A value or state is stated ambiguously, written as affirmations, you can have it right now, and no steps need to be taken to receive it. Instead a goal (outcome) must be stated specifically, must be written as goals, time is involved to achieve them, steps are needed to complete them (e.g. determine the outcome and then work backwards) and goals are measurable and stated for self only.

Next time you would like to achieve something, determine whether it’s a state or a goal. If it’s a state then you can have it right now. If it is a goal then you must determine the outcome, work out the steps involved and measure them accordingly. 

What are your principles for success in life, business or generally?

In NLP (Neuro Linguistic Programming) in order to have success in anything you do, you must know what you want to achieve and this is the first principle for success. For example, your outcome may be related to starting up your own business, changing jobs or simply being a success in handling your finances.  The five steps of the Success Principles are:

1.   Know your outcome – what do you want to achieve, what is the end result?

2.   Take action – it is very common for people to have an outcome set, however they do not take action. How can you achieve the outcome if you fail to take action?

3.   Have sensory acuity through your senses to notice what is occurring as you are taking action. Is the action you are taking moving you towards the required outcome?

4.    Have behavioural flexibility – leading on from step 3, if step 3 is not moving you towards the required outcome then change your behaviour and do something different that moves you towards your required goal.

5.   Take on a physiology and psychology of excellence – think about what you want and ensure that your thoughts, how you stand, how you hold self, how you talk reflects what you want as your end result.

Next time you want to be a success at something, use these five principles and notice how you are moving towards your outcome or goal! 

Are you at cause or effect? Which is more empowering?

How do you see your life? Are you at cause or are you at effect?

Generally it is more empowering for cause & effect. So, what is the difference between cause and effect and why is cause more empowering for you, your life and your world?

Cause is when you believe that everything that happens in your world and your life is the result of your own actions. People who are at cause will produce great results. Being at cause is more empowering and satisfying than being at effect.  Cause is all about taking ownership, being accountable and responsible for what happens.

Being at effect is all about believing what has happened in your world is the result of what someone else has done to you. In this situation you may have many reasons for why you did not get things done or achieve results for your life. People who are at effect will blame others, make excuses and deny it is the result of their actions. Being at effect is not empowering at all and definitely not very satisfying.

Today, what decision do you need to make? Will you be at cause or effect? The choice is yours.